Song Of The Day 11/20/2013: Brandenburger Symphoniker - "The Typewriter" (Leroy Anderson)

In the latest chapter of my skyrocketing editorial/creative/journalism career, I had a clerical skills assessment yesterday. I don't mind telling you I smacked that sucker outta the park. My typing speed was clocked at -- get this -- 93 words per minute.

My MS Office Suite skills were adjudicated as so freaking outstanding I made the young girls cry. Even my Excel skills were "way above average." Excel?? What dismally simple calculations are people using spreadsheets for these days that my abilities at Excel are gonna pop those plastic visors off accountants' heads? What are you guys counting -- blind mice?

They also gave me this test with around 300 pairs of numbers, and I had to identify the number sets that were exactly the same (you know, 669-669 are the same, but 669-699 are different -- and these numbers contained up to eight digits each). I had four minutes for the test. "Don't worry about finishing," they said. "Nobody finishes the whole thing in four minutes." I started the test. When the timer went off I had finished the whole thing. Scored amazingly high. I am the Ken Griffey Jr. of timed clerical tests.

Anyway, now that my professional ambitions have been scaled back to mere reflexive mechanical movements, I am relieved I no longer have to worry about making my mark in this world. I'm-a kill you with my data entry razzle-dazzle. I'm gonna collate you so hard, I'm gonna burst the staples out of your vice president's stomach, ya feel me?

My parents, of course, are extremely proud. See you in the steno pool. Sans lifeguard.