Chaste Portraits of Caribbean Life: This week's not quite going as I expected. People are, not so much
disappointed, but maybe
unclear about my mission to restore blog readers to states of morality and turn-of-the-century values. I just feel I've led people down the pathway to lasciviousness for too long that I thought one hundred years of sexual licentiousness could be wiped out by a week of songs about gardening. But reactions have been weird. After yesterday's
song about tomato harvesting that should be taken completely literally I got a phone call while Brenda was at lunch:
Me: "Hello, thank you for calling 4chan."
Caller: "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Me: "Reading my Bible and shopping for M2 carbines online."
Caller: "I'm talkin' about that tomato song."
Me: "Oh, yes, that would be 'Don't Touch Me Tomato.' Lots of information in a small amount of time, I know."
Caller: "Do you realize my kids were listening to that song? You know all the questions they had about it? You realize how awkward that made me feel?"
Me: "Well, sure, the chance that you're a pomologist and would therefore have ready access to answers to penetrating questions about tomatoes is probably a little slim. It's something you'd really have to probe into..."
Caller: "Did you even listen to the song, you shivering dugong?"
Me: "Hey. Hey. Watch the language. Yes, I heard the song! Yes, indeed! Absolutely! I absolutely... no, I didn't."
Caller: "Do you know what a tomato is?"
Me: "Is this a trick question?"
Caller: "Do you know what a tomato is?"
Me: "Uh... yes, it's... any fruit of the numerous cultivated varieties of Solanum lycopersicum, a plant of the nightshade family."
Caller: "In the context of the song. The song. Do you know what the tomato in that song is supposed to be?"
Me: "Uh... I... um, part of a Caprese salad?"
Caller: "You... oh, my God, you're just that stupid, aren't you?"
Me: "Well, just for this week. I'm playing a stupid guy."
Caller: "What?"
Me: "I'm playing a stupid guy. It's a character."
(pause)
Caller: "Since when do you do this blog in character?"
Me: "Just this once."
Caller: "Oh. How's it working?"
Me: "It's not easy. Stupid is much harder than you'd think."
Caller: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah, for sure."
(pause)
Caller: "Well, you're doing a great job."
Me: "Thank you! That means a lot to me."
Caller: "What was your name again?"
Me: "Michele Bachmann."
Like,
whatever, dude. The mission rolls on. Here's another shot of island purity about a strange benevolent visitor named Dr. Kinsey. I didn't get a chance to preview it because of that whole conversation I just had, so I don't know what he's a doctor
of, but I bet he went down to the islands to cure everyone of a terrible syndrome. Probably an airborne virus.
Comments