I am sorry.

Oh, the guilt.

Dear Readers,

It is with great regret and remorse that I write these words.

Over the past few years as your correspondent and Song Of The Day curator, I have made some exaggerated claims as to my experience as a musician, music writer and general music bon vivant.

At this time I would like to come clean about some of the claims I have made in hopes that you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Contrary to statements I may or may not have made in these pages --

• I have never performed under the pseudonym "Larry Ramone."


• I have never appeared as "the bank teller" in any version of The Village People.


• I have never owned a Cadillac, nor had one with a Deadhead sticker.


• I was never employed as "personal fishmonger" for Led Zeppelin.


• I did not impale my hand on a whammy bar while performing the introduction to "Pinball Wizard."


• I am not the subject of Exile in Guyville by Liz Phair.


• I am not the missing Gibb brother, Argus.


• I did not invent dubstep using spare parts purchased at Radio Shack.


• I did not come up with the idea for Spotify in the back of a gas station in Casper, Wyoming. 


• I did not write the words to Toby Keith's song "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," nor its sequel, "Courtesy of the Hammer and Sickle."


• I am not the subject of "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus.


• I did not write "In the Air Tonight" about watching Phil Collins struggle to stay atop an air mattress in a hotel pool in Tampa.


• I did not convert Bob Dylan to Christianity.


• I did not convert Beck to Scientology.


• I did not convert Courtney Love to Buddhism.


• I did not arrange for the deal between Justin Bieber and The Devil. I only reserved the conference room.


• I am not the subject of "Kim" by Eminem.


• I actually did shoot the deputy. I thought he was a temp.


• I am not now, nor have I ever been, the walrus.


• My favorite cocktail is not Jim Morrison Bathtub Gin.


• I did not shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die: He also cut me off while I was trying to merge onto I-80.


• Scott Joplin and I were not members of the same gym.


• I did not try to negotiate a truce between Elvis Presley and Nikita Khrushchev.


• My hologram did not get into a brawl with Tupac's hologram at Coachella; furthermore Keith Moon's hologram did not whack my hologram over the head with a six-way floor lamp and Ricky Nelson's hologram did not try to intervene.


• I am not the subject of "The Candy Man" by Sammy Davis, Jr. 


• Finally, I never worked at Microsoft Zune.*

Gosh I'm sorry, you guys. Please address all questions in this matter to my press representative Beyoncé.

(*Hey, it was worth a shot.)