Song Of The Day 11/1/2016: Dimmu Borgir – “Progenies of the Great Apocalypse”

Election Voter's Guide for Voting in the Election -- Hi, America. It's one week until the election. This week I'm going to try and give you a rundown on the important issues facing us when we cast our all-important votes on November 8. I've had tons of time to research on the internet, and I've gotten some very enthusiastic support and help from a small group of researchers. They're very modest and don't want to reveal themselves, which I think is the ultimate in self-sacrifice. I can tell you they're colorful, they're diligent, and they send me all their stuff from websites in the .ru domain. I'm waving at them now. Hey guys! Thanks for the roe-and-vodka gift pack! All right, enough of this folderol -- let's find out where the candidates stand on the real issues facing this election.

Banks Using Ball-Point Pens To Get The Elderly's DNA

You notice how the only place you see ball-point pens anymore are where they're connected by a chain to those kiosks in banks? That's because the banks are secretly collecting DNA samples from old people who don't do any e-banking, so they come in and use the pens without giving it a second thought. But once they're done filling out their deposit slips or writing their grandkids out of the will, their DNA is being transmitted through those chains and into a database, which spits out the codes into a repository monitored by the Hallmark Network. Why? So they can figure out how long they have to extend the syndication contracts for Murder, She Wrote reruns. And also to make space food for the Great Liberal Escape To Mars once Earth is finally destroyed by Google. Of course it's Google. How the hell does Google know everything? WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

Clinton: Supports
Trump: Supports
Johnson: Supports
Stein: Doesn't go to banks