Song Of The Day 2/28/2017: Antonio Carlos Jobim – “Wave”

The Final 30

Executive Summary

Hello. I’m Paul Pearson, renown blogger and delivery team lead for The Final 50. All of us here hope you’re enjoying the series. We’ll be getting back to our story shortly, but first we have some mid-program administrative issues and disclosures to discuss, based on internet regulations and consumer feedback.

Item #3-AML-DX Declaration of Prior Ownership and/or Maintenance of Domesticated Quadrupeds

This is in compliance with the Section 3 of the Internet Regulatory Mammal Tariff Act, popularly known as “The Jack Hanna Clause,” which states that personal web destinations or blogs that do not present a minimum number of electronic representations (still photos or animations) of cats and/or dogs in states of elevated attractiveness or humor either (a) provide a full disclosure of previous animal ownership, or (b) subject its bearers or administrator to annual taxation prorated to date of first publication of said blog, Facebook account or Tindr page.

Since The Final 50 (indeed, the blog in general) has fallen far below the threshold for pictures and/or images of cats or dogs, we make this disclosure of previously owned pets in accordance with clause (a).

Type	Name	Domicile(s)	Breed/Distinguishing Characteristic(s)	Behavioral Assessment	Cause of Expiry/Departure
Dog	Tuffy	Yuba City, CA Vacaville, CA Citrus Heights, CA	Black French poodle	Eerily excited as befits breed	Hit by car
Cat	Patches	Yuba City, CA Vacaville, CA Citrus Heights, CA	Black and white, unpatterned	Sour and detached as befits breed	Rejection of new home
Cat	Pumpkin/Punkin	Citrus Heights, CA Orangevale, CA	Orange tabby	Total unadulterated fear (based on early trauma with sister in car)	Death not verified despite subject's constantly verbalized desire to end the psychic pain
Cat	Peanut	Orangevale, CA	White with orange streaks	Consummate professional	Ingested some sort of cacti we think
Cat	Pandas	Orangevale, CA	Black and white, with V-shaped mark surrounding nose	Unremarkable, got by on looks	Did not return from Burning Man
Cat	Rimshot	Orangevale, CA	Grey tabby	Sedentary	Witness protection program
Cat	Fleetwood	Orangevale, CA	Orange tabby (sibling to Rimshot)	Undocumented	Taken to Hollywood and told he was going to be in pictures
Cat	Ishmael	San Francisco, CA	Orange tabby	Preternatural calm	Disinterest
Cat	Woody	San Francisco, CA	Grey tabby	Submissive (partnered with Ishmael)	Chartered fishing boat ran aground
Cat	Spike	San Francisco, CA	Calico	Homicidal	Mexican standoff
Cat	Bridget	San Francisco, CA Seattle, WA Olympia, WA Los Angeles, CA	Grey tabby	Indescribably affectionate	Ushered to heaven on dainty angel wings
Cat	Small Kitty	Olympia, WA	Small	Adorable	Retired at the ashram
Cat	Bongo	Olympia, WA	Grey tabby	Misunderstood	Season 7 judge on America's Got Talent

Item #6-RLT Statement Regarding the Absence of Relationship Information

The astute reader will note that we’re close to halfway through this at times interminable saga and I haven’t gone into detail regarding romantic relationships I might have had.

(For the record: I had some.)

How to address the subject has been the biggest source of indecision about this whole project. Except for some brief references I’ve already made and might make again—and one longer reference I might not be able to get out of for the story’s sake—I thought I’d declare ex-girlfriends out of scope for several reasons.

(1) I’ve been in a relationship for fourteen years and had three children with someone I’m ultra-compatible with and treasure extremely highly, and don’t want to blow that thing through remembrances of other girls, for which I’m receiving no material compensation. (But if there was money behind this I’m sure Kate would be all for it. We could use an IKEA run.)

(2) I’m still friends with a little more than half my exes, and I’m honored they still consider me such. Within that group is a subset of women I’d call close friends today, who I’d feel at ease talking with about anything I talk to my best friends about. I'd rather not screw that up. (Although the exception of getting paid holds true for this too. Sorry, girls, Daddy needs that Civil War commemorative chess set.)

(3) As for those I’m not in contact with, we’ve settled everything (except for one). I don’t want to put anything out there that would make them cross. I’m not going to add another potential level of discomfort at this late date. We’re not enemies—I don’t consider us enemies anyway—and I hope they’re doing well and are happy and that’s it. (Again, unless I get paid. Then I turn into a Real Housewife of La Jolla, got it?)

I do acknowledge this editorial decision leaves something of a gaping hole in the narrative. To compensate you’re free to supplement your readings of The Final 50 with additional readings from D.H. Lawrence, Henry Miller, Douglas Adams and James Thurber.

Item #12-DEL Acknowledgments of Incidents That Occurred But Are Not Covered In This Narrative

Including but not limited to:

Following the 1978 Oakland Raiders
Trying out for varsity basketball
Traveling to Europe, Hawaii and Mexico
1989 Frank B. Hall insurance brokerage Christmas party
Renaissance faires
One-hour street discussion about Japanese economics with vagrant named Louis
Being mistaken for Joe Montana outside Tower Theater in Sacramento
Being mistaken for Kelsey Grammar in several settings
80% of all Rodeo Kill after parties
Shelton

Item #13-NEG Acknowledgements of Incidents That Never Occurred and are Obviously Not Covered In This Narrative

Including but not limited to:

Playing Cousin Oliver on Brady Bunch
Becoming president of Hair Club
Conversion to aromatherapy
Telling Brian Wilson to just use a goddamn four-piece on Pet Sounds
Mistakenly giving the award to La La Land
Living in the back of a Brinks truck for four months
Sending Trump Steaks to enemies
Serving as the model for the cover of Rush’s Hemispheres album
1995
Happyland. Never heard of it. What are you talking about?