Q&A From Amazon.com's Hutzler Banana Slicer Discussion Page

(Originally published at Amazon.com)

Q: I bought one of these and from the day I set it down in my kitchen, my bananas have stopped talking to me. What now?

ME: I had a similar issue with my potatoes when I got my mandolin slicer. To be honest, I kind of relish the silence now. The Yukon Golds were always bullying the russets around. Napoleon complex if you ask me.

Q: What's a humane way to kill a banana before you slice? Do you hit them over the head? Which side is the head? I've tried earplugs to stifle the shrieks. Thoughts?

ME: I have henchmen for that. I don't ask questions.

Q: I work in a banana slicing factory. Is there a professional edition?

ME: Yes, but it still has that annoying "Banana-Clip" pop-up helper. "It looks like you're trying to slice a banana. Do you need help?" Yeeeah, this is the 400th time I've sliced a banana with this thing, Clippy. I just might have the hang of it now. Jeez.

Q: My Batman action figure fell through the Hutzler 571 climbing into the Joker's lair. Batman's legs have been amputated below the knees, now what?

ME: The Robin action figure finally gets that promotion he's been whining about, that's what. Carpe diem, Boy Wonder.

Q: Will the Hutzler 571 work on flaccid bananas?

ME: Yes, but if it still works after four hours, call your greengrocer.

Q: On Monday February 18th, 2013 at 02:37AM EST, my Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer became self aware...anyone else experience this? Will it be a problem?

ME: Self-awareness isn't the big problem. It's when the Hutzler starts asking "Where did I come from?" and I have to make up a creation myth about a paper cutter and Harry Belafonte.

Q: I found some of these questions so offensive. Why are some people making fun of such ground breaking, state of the art technology?

ME: Two words: Daddy issues.
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