Slicing and dicing in the Yodeling Pickle Amazon.com customer review meme

(Originally published on Amazon.com)

Customer review of the Accoutrements Yodelling [sic] Pickle:

A real disappointment -- uses Auto-Tune
May 22, 2013
By Paul Pearson

I ordered the Yodeling Pickle for my annual Donaukanaltreiben party, since my Yodeling Rhubarb retired last year. Imagine my disappointment when I set it up, pressed the start button, and heard that mechanical robot voice. Everyone in the room almost choked on their selchfleisch. My uncle Jürgen was livid. "Vas this? You sully the name of Donaukanaltreiben vith das Auto-Tune? Nein! You're out of das will!"

Jürgen and I patched things up like we always do -- over beer and two Belgian girls in the Reeperbahn -- but he had a point. Back in my day, when you heard a piece of produce singing, you knew it was really them singing it. You'd never hear the Opera-Singing Cauliflower using electronics to doctor his voice. The mere idea of the Crooning Tomato or the Chanting Eggplant using filters and drum machines in their work? Sacrilege!

It seems every half-talented vegetable or fruit thinks they can get ahead in the industry just by throwing Auto-Tune and germplasm on everything. One day they're singing standards in an after-hours farmer's market. Next thing you know some producer puts 'em in a studio, changes everything with some electronic wizardry, stuffs 'em in a bikini, and bam! They get on American Farmstand.

I've had enough. Give me fruits and vegetables that can actually sing without help. And while we're at it, give me a produce basket that can actually play its instruments. I mean, it's good to see bands like Mango & Sons and Fleet Figs come out there with some chops. But they're still in the minority. You still got these no-talent young sprouts, getting all high on Monsanto, chasing down cheap thrills in salad spinners, and they're destroying the produce music industry. I don't know about you, but I'm voting with my wallet, and my weed eater.

1 comment

Popular Recent Posts