Song Of The Day 7/25/2013: Wreckless Eric - "Personal Hygiene"

In this tune the gifted Wreckless Eric gives you some intrusively specific instructions on proper grooming habits. For example: "Garnish your bottom with powder / Wipe it with paper / Wash it with embers and pumicing stones."

I've done lots of things to my bottom. I will tell you three things I have never done to my bottom: (a) garnish it with anything; (b) wash it with hot flaming embers; and (c) rake an abrasive pumicing stone against it. Now I'm wondering if I have been neglectful towards it by not doing any of these things, but then again, in these situations I like to turn the question to my faithful readers.

So, I suppose my question to you is... well, I have several.

1. In addition to powder, is there anything else it's fair to garnish one's bottom with? Parsley? Julienned baby carrots? Ornamental mats?

2. Have you ever washed your bottom -- or any other part of yourself, really -- with hot flaming embers?

2a. If "Yes," does it matter what kind of wood you use? Hickory or mesquite?

3. Is there some sort of attachment created for the purpose of running a pumicing stone against your own bottom for maximum coverage? Or do you just use strategically placed mirrors?

This kind of thing raises more questions than it answers. Don't think about it too hard though. Here's a picture of a pumicing stone.

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