Song Of The Day 9/20/2013: Charlene - "I've Never Been To Me"

I'd like to clear a few things up about September's Karaoke Party People meetup at the Baranof Bar in the Greenwood neighborhood of Seattle, Washington.

(1) I am not a pimp.

I realize that I'm sitting with a group with a high ratio of females to men, and that I'm wearing a hat that makes me look, as one 13-year-old kid reminded me a couple of weeks ago, like Heisenberg from Breaking Bad. However, I do not represent these women's business interests in any way, shape or form, and I have it on pretty good authority (i.e., the women themselves) that they are not in "the business." I am neither their representative nor their middle man. If there's some kind of proposition you would like to make to my friends, you are free to approach them without using me as a third-party interlocutor.

(2) The theme for this month's meetup was "Always, Forever and Never."

(3) I performed these songs:

• "I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene
• "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" by Monty Python
• "Never Never Gonna Give You Up" by Barry White
• "It Never Rains In Southern California" by Albert Hammond

(4) I don't know what I was doing with the Barry White song. I'd like to apologize to all who witnessed it and the chair I abused. Please keep this off YouTube.

(5) The original monologue at mid-song in "I've Never Been To Me" went like this:

Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie. A fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be. But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding. It's that man you fought with this morning, the same one you're going to make love with tonight. That's truth. That's love.

That, of course, wouldn't do, so I rewrote the spoken word part thusly:

All right, listen you little twit. I know what you're thinking. "Waaah! I went to junior college and all I got was this apron! I wanna go twerking!" Listen, sister: Hot sex isn't everything it's cracked up to be and I got the vertebrae to prove it. So do yourself a favor: Marry a middle manager, fake your orgasms, wipe off Junior's snot and just take the 401(k) plan, baby. TAKE THE 401(K)!

(6) At the end of the song I kind of went nuts:

Seriously, do you know how much penicillin I've burned through? Do you realize how many vaccinations I've had? I'm like a human pin cushion!

I'm Michelle Bachmann and I approve this message! 

Mission, most parties agreed, accomplished.