Songs Of The Day 11/5/2014: David Ingles - "Satan Has Been Paralyzed" vs. Carman - "Satan, Bite the Dust"


Song Wars! I think something's wrong with the voting mechanism, because yesterday, again, we had only one vote and it went to Sonny Bono. Because I refuse to believe that nobody's interested in voting for a winner in the Song Wars. There's just nothing more breathlessly riveting on the entire internet. So I'm saying, pick it up. When's the last time you got to vote for anything, eh?

Today's subject should get you all up in arms, because it's Beating The Crap Out Of Satan. And listen, there's nobody who thinks Satan needs to get his ass kicked more than me, 'cause that emblem of the world's evil has done worn out his welcome. He's petulant, he's foul-tempered, he breathes fire which is terrible for my curtains, and every time he wants to send me a message I have to dig out my turntable and play The Partridge Family Album backwards, and even then dude speaks in riddles and snorts. Screw that noise, man. If I want to hear that kind of talk I could just take the 36 bus.

So, anyway, we've got two Christian warriors here with divergent interpretations of how to send the Cloven-Hooved One back to the A&P with his hind quarters a-flappin', and it pretty much comes down to whether you prefer puppet pirates or rapping gunslingers. First up is David Ingles, who has chosen to voice his Satano-chism through two hand puppets, with a third mute hand puppet representing Satan. "Satan Has Been Paralyzed" is a curious chirpy, lightly swinging kiddie joint celebrating the incapacitation of the malevolent spirit, represented in the video by a still shot of an anxiety-addled Beelzebub confined to a wheelchair. Jesus was so ticked off he went and fractured his arm and caused at least three skin abrasions, so one would judge from the three bandages attached to Satan's face and arm.

Or you could go with Carman, who opts for live action brutality and a higher body count in "Satan, Bite the Dust." This is from Carman's long-form music video Addicted to Jesus. I do not know for certain whether the Western motif endures the entire length of the video, but what we get in these four and a half minutes encapsulates the point fairly straightforwardly. In this Peckinpagh fantasy of ecclesiastical throwdown, Carman takes out not only Satan, but also his more specialized minions, like the guys in charge of alcoholism and false religion. (I suppose the demon in charge of mediocre production values was in another saloon or something.) This is the leanest, meanest Christian statement about guns since the Apostle Paul told Galatians that Jesus hated stricter background checks at gun shows.

Who wins? Humanity, of course. But, seriously, in your opinion, who wins?

Who defeats the horned beast-whore?
David Ingles and his puppet pirates
Carman and his recently laid-off makeup artist
Poll Maker

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