Song Of The Day 1/14/2015: Lord Lebby & the Jamaican Calypsonians - "Dr. Kinsey Report"

Chaste Portraits of Caribbean Life: This week's not quite going as I expected. People are, not so much disappointed, but maybe unclear about my mission to restore blog readers to states of morality and turn-of-the-century values. I just feel I've led people down the pathway to lasciviousness for too long that I thought one hundred years of sexual licentiousness could be wiped out by a week of songs about gardening. But reactions have been weird. After yesterday's song about tomato harvesting that should be taken completely literally I got a phone call while Brenda was at lunch:
Me: "Hello, thank you for calling 4chan."

Caller: "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Me: "Reading my Bible and shopping for M2 carbines online."

Caller: "I'm talkin' about that tomato song."

Me: "Oh, yes, that would be 'Don't Touch Me Tomato.' Lots of information in a small amount of time, I know."

Caller: "Do you realize my kids were listening to that song? You know all the questions they had about it? You realize how awkward that made me feel?"

Me: "Well, sure, the chance that you're a pomologist and would therefore have ready access to answers to penetrating questions about tomatoes is probably a little slim. It's something you'd really have to probe into..."

Caller: "Did you even listen to the song, you shivering dugong?"

Me: "Hey. Hey. Watch the language. Yes, I heard the song! Yes, indeed! Absolutely! I absolutely... no, I didn't."

Caller: "Do you know what a tomato is?"

Me: "Is this a trick question?"

Caller: "Do you know what a tomato is?"

Me: "Uh... yes, it's... any fruit of the numerous cultivated varieties of Solanum lycopersicum, a plant of the nightshade family."

Caller: "In the context of the song. The song. Do you know what the tomato in that song is supposed to be?"

Me: "Uh... I... um, part of a Caprese salad?"

Caller: "You... oh, my God, you're just that stupid, aren't you?"

Me: "Well, just for this week. I'm playing a stupid guy."

Caller: "What?"

Me: "I'm playing a stupid guy. It's a character."


Caller: "Since when do you do this blog in character?"

Me: "Just this once."

Caller: "Oh. How's it working?"

Me: "It's not easy. Stupid is much harder than you'd think."

Caller: "Really?"

Me: "Yeah, for sure."


Caller: "Well, you're doing a great job."

Me: "Thank you! That means a lot to me."

Caller: "What was your name again?"

Me: "Michele Bachmann."
Like, whatever, dude. The mission rolls on. Here's another shot of island purity about a strange benevolent visitor named Dr. Kinsey. I didn't get a chance to preview it because of that whole conversation I just had, so I don't know what he's a doctor of, but I bet he went down to the islands to cure everyone of a terrible syndrome. Probably an airborne virus.

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