I am sorry.

Oh, the guilt.
Dear Readers,

It is with great regret and remorse that I write these words.

Over the past few years as your correspondent and Song Of The Day curator, I have made some exaggerated claims as to my experience as a musician, music writer and general music bon vivant.

At this time I would like to come clean about some of the claims I have made in hopes that you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Contrary to statements I may or may not have made in these pages --

  • I have never performed under the pseudonym "Larry Ramone."

  • I have never appeared as "the bank teller" in any version of The Village People.

  • I have never owned a Cadillac, nor had one with a Deadhead sticker.

  • I was never employed as "personal fishmonger" for Led Zeppelin.

  • I did not impale my hand on a whammy bar while performing the introduction to "Pinball Wizard."

  • I am not the subject of Exile in Guyville by Liz Phair.

  • I am not the missing Gibb brother, Argus.

  • I did not invent dubstep using spare parts purchased at Radio Shack.

  • I did not come up with the idea for Spotify in the back of a gas station in Casper, Wyoming. 

  • I did not write the words to Toby Keith's song "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," nor its sequel, "Courtesy of the Hammer and Sickle."

  • I am not the subject of "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus.

  • I did not write "In the Air Tonight" about watching Phil Collins struggle to stay atop an air mattress in a hotel pool in Tampa.

  • I did not convert Bob Dylan to Christianity.

  • I did not convert Beck to Scientology.

  • I did not convert Courtney Love to Buddhism.

  • I did not arrange for the deal between Justin Bieber and The Devil. I only reserved the conference room.

  • I am not the subject of "Kim" by Eminem.

  • I actually did shoot the deputy. I thought he was a temp.

  • I am not now, nor have I ever been, the walrus.

  • My favorite cocktail is not Jim Morrison Bathtub Gin.

  • I did not shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die: He also cut me off while I was trying to merge onto I-80.

  • Scott Joplin and I were not members of the same gym.

  • I did not try to negotiate a truce between Elvis Presley and Nikita Khrushchev.

  • My hologram did not get into a brawl with Tupac's hologram at Coachella; furthermore Keith Moon's hologram did not whack my hologram over the head with a six-way floor lamp and Ricky Nelson's hologram did not try to intervene.

  • I am not the subject of "The Candy Man" by Sammy Davis, Jr. 

  • Finally, I never worked at Microsoft Zune.*

Gosh I'm sorry, you guys. Please address all questions in this matter to my press representative Beyoncé.

(*Hey, it was worth a shot.)

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