For Immediate Release: New Music Festival!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Are you a music fan? Are you a music fan who’s been to one too many boring, unchallenging events and concerts? Are you a mover and a shaker willing to try new things? Can you swim? If pressed, can you hunt? Do you know CPR? How are your bandaging skills?

If your answer to any of those questions is “Could you repeat that?” then get your passes now to my new project with underground hip hop artist MC Skrapple: The Spyt Spree on Unimak Island, Alaska!

It’s not just a music festival. It’s a 2-day, music-enhanced psychological recalibration event. It’s in a setting so luxurious, we’re arming brown bears with semi-automatics just to preserve the splendor of your luxuriating!

The Spyt Spree features 30 of today’s hottest music acts in gorgeous natural surroundings! We’re talking the biggest names in rock, hip hop and EDM, provided we find an AC outlet!

For the meager price of $500,000, we’ll fly you to Alaska in a C-130 cargo plane, and deliver you in style to the festival site in our special Ecto-Cubic Vari-Trajectory Summoning Capsules:



Once you hit the island, you’ll be whisked (more likely carted) off to our deluxe accommodations. But not just any deluxe accommodations! You’ll be staying in one-of-a-kind, true-blue Quadrilateral Maximum Ventilation Flex-Aulins:



Oh, the opulence! You’ll be served top-flight cuisine from the world’s most exclusive chefs—dollops of toothsome consumables like… crackers! Finger sandwiches! Finger burgers! Finger salads! And the singular creation of Chef Zayne Frougat of the Screwtape Inn in Fernley, Nevada: Toasted Grain Essence with Palm & Soybean Coulis:



We’ll have everything at the Spyt Spree to cater to your comfort. Paper mats. Hand stamps. Form-fitting wristbands with triple-lock devices. Massage pods. Water bottles (water not included). Styrofoam. Remorse. And what testament to lavishness is complete without quality time in a good Mono-Specific Vertical “Rusticola” Purification Antechamber?



And did we mention the music? Hot pants! There’s going to be music! In fact, here are some of the acts we guarantee we have considered contacting about playing Spyt Spree!*
  • Llorde
  • Blinc-182
  • Beyonsë
  • Mumford & Suns
  • LMFAOKMFDMUB40INXS
  • 2 Chainzmokers
  • The Week’s nd
  • Eddie Van Sheeran
  • Vanilla Ice
*(Lineup subject to change based on organizers’ suggestion that artists not come to the festival for their own safety)

The entire festival wraps up on the second day (but it’ll feel like the eighth) with a one-of-a-kind Group Hug In the William Golding Pavilion!



For more information, just ask our concierge!


The Spyt Spree! It Could Be Worse!

(By the way, you can pronounce “Spyt” either “spit” or “spite.” We haven’t really thought that part through yet.)

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