10 Ways Jay Cutler Can Incorporate Punk Rock Quotes in His Broadcasting Career

NFL quarterback and lapsed emo figurehead Jay Cutler, after being cut from the Bears last March, announced today that he's leaving the game for a career as a color commentator for FOX. But that's not important. What's important is the punk musician he quoted in his official statement:

“I recently read a quote that struck a cord [sic] with me at the time. It was attributed to Henry Rollins (but with the Internet these days, you can never be too sure).* ‘I did that, I gave everything I had to give to that. Now, if I returned to that it would be repetition -- it might be fun repetition, but it wouldn't be meaningful repetition.’”

It makes me inordinately happy that FOX will have someone in the booth that has at least a little sense of punk history in his arsenal. As a media hanger-on, I encourage Cutler to develop and manifest this knowledge during his broadcasts in the upcoming NFL season.

Well of course I came up with some ideas.

• “Ezekiel Elliot absolutely murdered that defensive line — as the Adverts might say, he’s got Gary Gilmore’s eyes!”


• “Odell Beckham Jr. already has 100-plus yards against this depleted 49ers defense. As Johnny Rotten might say, he’s having a cheap holiday in other people’s misery!”


• “Whatever the situation, you have to give Cam Newton respect. My good friend Wendy O. Williams might say you need to worship at his feet, kiss the boot, and open the gate as the boiling rivers flow!”


• “And again Tom Brady shows us how he adjusts on the fly to the defensive scheme! To quote Crass, ‘Against the fragile, mashed and sweaty wound, your facile beauty has an outrageous sound, like a glamor billboard on a battlefield!’”


• “And Derek Carr escapes an oncoming Von Miller and completes the pass to Amari Cooper! Oh bondage, up yours!”


• “Once again, Richard Sherman proves his doubters wrong. Or as Bad Religion might say, ‘The media parading, disjointed politics founded on petrochemical plunder -- and we're its hostages!’”


• “Hey, Kevin Burkhardt, why don't you get me a Pepsi?"


• “Another amazing sack from Vic Beasley Jr.! As my close associates the Buzzcocks would say, he still keeps a-beating his meat to pulp!”


• “And the Steelers’ defensive line swarms and descends on Jeremy Hill! As my buddy Lee Ving would say, ‘There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many, there's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many, there's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many, there's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!”


• “It’s great to be in the booth, guys! I’m excited, I’m ready, and in the words of Jello Biafra, I’m too drunk to fuck!’”

* Through his office, Rollins confirmed to USA Today that the quote was his.