Song Of The Day 10/19/2015: The Rondels – “Satan’s Theme”
Satan: Hey, I like that piece you wrote about me a few years back.
Paul Pearson The Blog: Um, which one?
S: The one for Museum of Pop Archaeology. About meeting me at the crossroads.
P: Oh, that one. Thank you. I like that one myself.
S: Yeah. It’s nice, for fan fiction.
P: I wouldn’t call it “fan fiction.”
S: You’re not a fan?
P: No, it’s… I’m just saying, it’s not “fan fiction” in the, you know, “I’m going to write the further adventures of the Hunger Games characters” sense.
S: Oh, I get it. Yeah, that’s gauche.
P: I mean, writing extended pieces featuring characters I didn’t even come up with – what a waste of time.
S: I hear you.
P: What’s the point? I’m just inserting pre-existing personae into newly invented situations and conversations. Somebody else has already done the hard part. How is that gonna be of value to anyone?
S:…
P: What?
S: Are you done with the inside self-referential bullshit?
P: Yes.
S: Good. Take a drink.
P: All right.
S: I mean, look… the mere occasion of this whole meeting is trite.
P: What do you mean?
S: I mean that I’m tired of being the stock character of choice whenever terrible things happen and people grope around for explanations that exonerate humanity’s habit of being assholes to other people. I’m the one people blame and, in a roundabout way, decide they need to engage with. Forget them doing any kind of introspection. It's just Satan at work again. It happens all the time. You’d think by now people would have gotten sick of that convention. 'Cause I barely have anything to do with it at all now.
P: You’re saying you’re not evil anymore?
S: No, no, I’m still evil. I know what side my bread’s buttered. But I just don’t have that much to do anymore.
P: Really? ’Cause there’s plenty of evil going on.
S: It’s on auto-pilot, dude. I built a system that worked way too well. I outdated myself. Embarrassing. I’m not supposed to be so good at organization.
P: What did it used to be like?
S: Oooh, man… We had some great times. Great, great times. It was almost romantic. Converting the pious was just the biggest kick ever.
P: Really? What was it like?
S: Exquisite. Almost delicate. I’d just fly up and breathe softly in their ear, whispering the sweetest things – “Hey man, you’re a creation of divine purpose and light, so kick that peasant in the face… Honey, your body’s a temple, so why don’t you lose the nun outfit and start fillin’ up them pews?”
P: That doesn't sound delicate.
S: You had to be there. Say, you know what my favorite era of all time was?
P: No, what?
S: Well, there were two, actually. The Victorian era was sweet. That was just one big land-mine of psychological defects waiting to be trampled upon. Sigmund Freud: the gift that keeps on giving. Repression – god, that stuff was better than heroin.
P: What’s the other?
S: The 12th century. You know why?
P: Swing music?
S: No, smartass. The handheld mirror. The 12th century’s when it really started taking off. No woman would leave the house without one. It was like I had my own personal walkie-talkie with everyone! That was fantastic. So easy, but so organic at the same time.
P: That’s almost beautiful.
S: No "almost" about it, it is beautiful! There was something so natural and… and… oh, dear… uh-oh.
P: What?
S: I had a feeling this might happen.
P: Feeling what would happen?
Waitress: I’m back!
(Waitress returns pulling a handcart)
W: Hi! Hi! I got your Kraft American Singles, Master!
S: Great, why don’t… whoa!
P: Hey, watch it!
(Waitress throws a box on the table.)
W: I got two whole boxes! There’s 48 packages in each case! And-and-and… you didn’t say so I wasn’t sure, but just in case I got regular and 2% milk, because I didn’t know if you were trying to watch your figure or not, so I got two cases of each!
S: Dear, you really shouldn’t have…
W: That’s not all, because you know how it is when you go to Costco, you go in thinking you’ll just get a couple of things but then they have so much and you think, well, I may have a need for that thing at some point, who knows? So… so I-I-I got you some sharp cheddar and white American singles as well! Both regular and 2%! I had to reach up really high! Are you proud of me? Are you proud of me?
S: Somewhere in Arkansas there’s a school lunch program that’s dangerously low on supplies this week.
W: And pimento spread! It’s making a comeback in a big way! I got a case of that too! I wasn’t sure that they’d have it but I looked up and up and they had it so I got it! I got it!
P: This is like a Showcase Showdown with cholesterol levels.
S: You’d know.
P: Shut up.
W: But wait! There’s more!
S: That’s my line, sweetheart.
W: Easy Cheese!! Do you know about Easy Cheese? It’s like regular cheese, except less work! It’s hydraulics!
P: It’s what?
S: Ssssh, it’s her big finish.
W: I got two cases of each because it’s so easy! I got American, I got cheddar, I got sharp cheddar, and… oooh, my God, you’re not going to believe what else!
P: Saw this from a mile away.
S: Oink.
W: BACON! THEY FIT BACON IN THE CAN! And they got it small enough so it comes out that little bitty top with the cheddar! I got you four cases of that! Oh, I do so hope this pleases you because it pleased me so to be able to go and get it for you!
S: You did great, honey. Now, why don’t you head back to the kitchen where your boss is calculating your severance pay?
W: I’m gonna go back there right now! I can’t wait a minute! Thank you! Thank you so much! I’m going back immediately!
S: Okay. No need to hurry.
W: I’m going RIGHT NOW!
S: Hey, watch out honey! Don’t trip on my…
(Waitress falls and crashes into adjacent table)
S: …tail.
Part 3.
