Song Of The Day 10/24/2015: The Jazz Butcher – “The Devil Is My Friend”
(Outside restaurant)
Paul Pearson The Blog: You okay?
Satan: Yeah. I’m fine.
P: Sorry about… you know, whacking a wine bottle across your temple.
S: That’s okay. It’s one of those times when existing only on a metaphysical plane is convenient.
P: Thanks for dinner. And all the rum and cokes.
S: Don’t mention it.
P: Hey… before you go…
S: Yeah?
P: Not that I want to, but… will I see you again?
S: Will you see me again?
P: Yeah.
(Violins play from an unseen location)
S: Sure. Of course you’ll see me again.
You’ll see me wherever there’s conflict, violence or strife.
You’ll see me whenever factions of people declare wars on each other because they believe their gods are the awesomest.
You’ll see me in the ashes of broken families, in governmental neglect, in poverty in lands of plenty, and in disgraced fantasy football websites.
You’ll see me whenever you see discrimination based on race, creed, gender, sexual orientation, age, height, weight, sports affiliation or inability to use Snapchat.
You’ll see me in the press release from a network executive who just green-lighted a reality series about a single mom on fertility drugs so she can have twelve kids.
You’ll see me in the eyes of an Oklahoma businessman who buys a Seattle basketball team and promises he’ll do everything he can to keep it in the Northwest.
You’ll hear me in the voices of most radio personalities who do morning drive-time. Especially those who call their shows “The Morning Zoo.” What the hell is a “morning zoo,” anyway? Does it just shut down at noon? That'd be the beginning of peak business hours, wouldn't it? Whatever.
You’ll see me in the eyes of a middle manager who makes his subordinates cry at their desks because they haven’t sold enough Shamwows via their online superstore.
You’ll see me on the streets of Richmond, Virginia because… well, I really like Richmond. I go there sometimes to get away from myself. It’s a great town with a surprisingly world-class restaurant scene. Have you been? You should definitely take a day trip there if you’re ever in the area. It’s quite affordable. Let me know and I’ll hook you up with some coupons.
And, it should go without saying, you’ll see me in comment sections. All comment sections. Constantly.
(Violin stops)
S: So, yeah… long story short, yes. I’m sure we’ll run into each other somewhere. We’ll get brunch or something.
P: All right. And… hey, listen… If you ever get tired of evil and want to come over and join the forces of good in the world… well, let me know, okay? I’ll make some phone calls. I know a guy.
S: You know… you know what? I just may do that.
P: Really?
S: …
P: …
S: No, of course not. Come on.
P: Ha! Yeah! What am I saying? Heh-heh. That’s funny.
S: Don’t worry about it.
P: I won’t.
S: I guess this is where we say goodbye.
P: Yeah.
S: …
P: You okay to get home?
S: I’ll get an Uber.
P: I’ll catch a cab.
S: All right. Good night, Paul Pearson The Blog.
P: Good night, Satan.
S: Oh… and check your backpack. I left you a parting gift.
P: A parting gift? What kind of…
(Satan has vanished. Paul stares where he used to be. He then opens his backpack and finds his gift.)
P: A box of Velveeta. Cute. Geez… Taxi!
(A taxi pulls up. Paul gets in.)
Driver: Where to, sir?
P: Yeah, take me to South Seattle, corner of… (sigh)… You know what? Just drive. Just start driving.
D: Towards South Seattle?
P: Yeah. That’s fine.
D: You got it.
P:…
D:…
P:…
D:…
P:…
D: Rough night?
P: Heh. Rough night. More like an aggressively interesting night.
D: I see.
P:…
D:…
P:…
D: Would you like to talk about it?
P: Tsch. I don’t know.
D: Sometimes it helps.
P: Heh. Taxicab Confessions. I don’t think so, but thanks.
D: Go ahead if you like. Unburden yourself, my child.
P:…
D:…
P: What did you just call me?
D: If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.
P: Wha… wait a minute, that’s…
D: The gospel of Thomas, my child.
P: You’re… wait a second!
D: Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
P: No way! It’s you?? The Son Of God?? Driving my cab??
D: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
P: Oh, man! I can’t believe it! You’re totally going to understand this!
D: Lay your burden down, my son.
P: I just had the weirdest night! I had dinner with… well, please forgive me, I’m gonna tell you the truth: I had a steak dinner with the Adversary.
D: The Tempter.
P: Yeah. Don’t ask how. I just didn’t want to do the usual song write-ups this week.
D: Continue.
P: Well, he tried to pass himself off as normal, but then… then he hypnotized the waitress, and she brought all this fake cheese from Costco, then he talked about how he couldn’t stand people giving him dead cats, then the waitress came back and she was all fine, then he ran into an old friend who he didn’t care for that much and is selling risk and comfort, then he possessed a bunch of people in the bar except for this one guy, then finally we argued about the Super Bowl… and… uh…
D: Yes?
P: That just sounds crazy, doesn’t it?
D: No worse than Mel Gibson on Adderall.
P: I mean, you must hear this stuff all the time, right?
D: That's all part of my responsibilities, son. It is the spirit and law of grace.
P: That's beautiful. I... I’m sorry, I can't see you too well back here. Can I scoot up and get a look at your face?
D: Well, I…
P: It’s just that I’m never going to have this chance a… wait a second…
D: Yep.
P: Hold on! You’re not Jesus! You’re…
(Stoplight. Driver turns around and offers his hand.)
Jared Leto: That’s right. I’m acclaimed motion picture actor and electric music artist Jared Leto.
P: What?? What are you doing??
J: Researching. I’m doing a film in New York next month about a waifish cab driver who offers absolution to troubled sinners. Hilarity ensues.
P: Man, I thought I was unburdening myself to the Son Of God!
J: I apologize for the ruse. I thought you were enjoying it.
P: Now I’ll never understand what it all means.
J: Look, don’t beat yourself up. Why don’t I just drive you home? We’re only 20 minutes away.
P: Okay. Yeah, just drive me home.
J: Great. Hey, I’ll put on some music.
P:…
J:…
P:…
J:…
P: What are we listening to?
J: It’s a tape of my band 30 Seconds To Mars when we played Coachella.
P: Oh... uh… you know, just let me out at this corner. I’ll walk from here.
J: Everyone’s a critic.
(Paul and Jared turn to the audience. Satan pops out of the trunk.)
P&J: And… SCENE!
S: Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!
– FIN –
