Song Of The Day 11/23/2012: 60ft Dolls - "Happy Shopper"

TUMWATER, WA -- It's Black Friday you guys! In the spirit of the holidays I'd like to offer you a few tips on how to maximize your bargain-finding and good will in the malls of America on what's sure to be a lovely, inspiring day!

1. Remember to have a main gunner stationed in a static location. While mobility is an asset, it increases the chance of exposure. Establish a remote rendezvous point where your primary can see but not be seen (Orange Julius is good for this).

2. Speed is your ally, but so is blending into your surroundings. Use your GW/45-A battle directive manual to determine access routes that best support the fleet-footed, and coordinate them with the camouflage tactics as outlined in the TRU-66 Urban Warfare Appendix (Sec. 4, subheading 6-A).

3. It's important to establish a reliable concealed position from which you can reliably fire your ammo. This is especially crucial in Wal-Mart.

4. Expect heavily orchestrated attacks in Toys R Us stores, especially around the Bratz dolls. At first they may resemble mere patrolling, but be assured they can turn into ambush techniques at less than a moment's notice. It is in fact advised that you not enter any Bratz-heavy zones without full Kevlar support.

5. Know your escape routes, so that you may avoid them until you have maxed out your Discover card.

6. The trample method of unit advancement is under heavy scrutiny from regulatory forces. Please try to use it sparingly, or out of the view of surveillance cameras.

7. Remember the Grand Rapids Furby Disaster of 1998, in which some Furbies devastatingly remained in inventory on account of not being purchased. Don't let this happen again. We won't forget. WE WILL NEVER FORGET.

That's all, consumers. We're counting on you.
Post a Comment

Popular Recent Posts