Songs Of The Day 2/1/2015: Horrifying '80s songs about the Patriots and Seahawks

Loosen your sweatpants strings, unpack your bibs and tell your children you love them, 'Murica: It's Super Bowl Sunday.

As you know, being from Seattle, having started a blog called Field Gulls back when I thought I could evolve into a sportswriter, and having frittered away my lovely karaoke voice in service of the greater good at Century Link Field for the past 9 seasons, I have a dog in this hunt. Of course this year my dog also happens to be the defending Super Bowl champion. But I'm not an animal. I don't use my sports affiliations to belittle or cajole fans of other teams. I use direct mail and telemarketing to do that.

This is a 'Murican blog, and I'm a spokesman for all 'Muricans. In that spirit, I'm here today to proclaim that while the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks may have ascended to the top of the NFL bone pile with the stringy entrails of lesser teams still caught between their teeth, they have one other thing in common: They both existed in the 1980's, and during the 1985-86 season both had to endure a couple of terrible music videos about them. Naturally both these compositions also featured very, very unfortunate saxophones.

Before we dive face-first into that bowl of coagulated cheese agents and spartan rage, I thought we'd uncover both of them. You will be hard-pressed to declare one of these videos the victor over the other, because really, nobody wins. Except you, the viewer, and the other 30 teams of the National Football League.

The Soundtrack Studio Singers -- "New England, the Patriots and We"

This song had to be made in a hurry, as it contained very specific references to Super Bowl XX in which the Patriots faced off against the Chicago Bears. The team had a chip on their shoulder, as they finished third in the AFC East but still managed a wild-card berth. But they impressively managed victories against the Jets, Raiders and Dolphins to clinch the AFC Championship. Then they did this -- or rather, hired some studio professionals to dress up like casual Friday at Dunkin' Donuts' corporate HQ, and they did this.

Wow, just... so many things. The introduction by Randy Newman's more polished twin brother. The incredible forced rhymes ("thanks for football in Jan-u-a-RY!"). The intercuts with local New Englanders, which are virtual celebrations of gigantic eyeglass frames, frumpy suit jackets and people who seem really uncomfortable about having fingers. Scads of people wearing MTV hats. The best part is the refrigerator dumping, which is a reference to the Bears' touchdown-scoring lineman William "Refrigerator" Perry. Just let it wash all over you.

And no, New England didn't win the Super Bowl, as these positive and very nice people didn't take into account that they were playing the '85-'86 Bears, arguably the greatest defense of the Super Bowl era, who destroyed them 46-10. The refrigerator died for naught.

The 1985 Seattle Seahawks -- "Locker Room Rock"

One of the things we Pacific Northwesterners can take great pride in about this video is that it predated the Chicago Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle" by three months. So it's possible they could have provided the Bears with the inspiration for their moment in the Billboard pop sun. Which is a nice thing, I suppose, since the "Blue Wave" finished 8-8 that year and sat out the playoffs.

This video -- directed by Seattle comedy fixture Pat Cashman -- doesn't contain the same community linkage of the Patriots' song, but it contains one thing that the frigid Boston climes simply couldn't reproduce: men in very, very short-shorts. This was a much freer time. When the stallions of athletic craft flung away regard for their hemlines to the bracing Puget chill.

Song-wise it's based rather closely on the Coasters' "Yakety Yak," but far enough away from the original so as not to get into trouble (or maybe nobody really wanted to drag this thing out in a court of law). Cashman also gets points for the shot of the saxophone player emerging, in bracing Arthur Conan Doyle melancholy, out of the sweaty fog of the shower room.

So, Patriots fans, here's our common, unseemly back story. Let's just agree we all made it through this difficult time and found much better days. Kumbaya. Until 3:30 this afternoon.
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