Song Of The Day 3/26/2015: Chakk - "Murderer"

Sheffield, Courteous But Firm: It just occurred to me that I’ve gone through almost an entire week of songs from Sheffield musicians and haven’t really made any effort to describe or talk about the high points of the city. I’ve barely addressed anything specific about Sheffield at all. I kind of feel I should address that today before it’s too late, but I don’t have a really handy list of Sheffield’s many attractions and qualities. Well, I have Wikipedia, but I’m trying to wean myself off that. Or is weaning a Scottish thing?

So, being short of fun facts, I thought I’d read some highlights from Sheffield’s 2013–14 financial report, or as they call it, their “Statement of Accounts”:

  • Sheffield’s biggest area of gross expenditure in 2013–14 was for Children’s and Education Services (£489,743,000). With a gross income in the budget of £378,101,000, the net expenditure under the budget was £111,642,000.

  • The Council made a £650k cash flow loan to Sheffield Museums and Galleries Trust (SMGT) in 2010–11 at 0% interest, which was less than market rates of approximately 5.5% and therefore must be accounted for as a soft loan.

  • In order to minimize the Council’s exposure to loan interest fluctuations the Council will only have a maximum of 35% variable rate debt as a percentage of total debt. On 31 March 2014, variable rate debt as a proportion of total debt was 27%.

  • Did you hear about the lottery winner from Barnsley whose dog died? He went to his jeweler and asked for a statue of the dog made out of gold. The jeweler asks, “Eighteen carat, sir?” Lottery winner says, “No, chewin’ on a bone.”

  • This lorry driver from Sheffield gets into an accident trying to pass through a brick tunnel. A passerby notices him chiseling away at some of the brickwork to get the lorry unstuck. “Oi,” passerby says, “why don’t you let out the air in your tires a little?” “Nay love,” says the driver, “it’s th’ roof that won’t go under, not th’ wheels.”

  • A farmer from Barnsley buys a bunch of sheep to breed them for wool. After a few weeks he notices they’re not getting pregnant, so he phones a vet. The vet tells him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer has no idea what that means, but not wanting to look stupid, he asks the vet how he’ll know when the sheep are pregnant. Vet says, “They’ll stop standing around – they’ll just lie down and start wallowing in the grass.”

    The farmer decides “artificial insemination” means that he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So that night he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out to the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to sleep.

    Next day he looks out at the sheep and sees they’re still standing up. He decides the first time didn’t take, so that night he loads all the sheep in the Land Rover, goes back to the woods, does his deed two times with each sheep, brings ’em back, goes to bed exhausted.

    Next day he sees the sheep are still standing up. Cursing himself, that night he loads the sheep into the Land Rover one more time, drives ’em to the woods, does his thing again, loads ’em back in the Land Rover, drives home, climbs in bed and goes to sleep like a rock.

    The next morning the farmer's so tired he can’t even lift his head. So he asks his wife, “Love – can you check something for me? Are the sheep lying in the grass?”

    Wife says, “No, they’re all in th' Land Rover, and one of ’em's beepin' th' bleedin' horn.”

Man... Sheffield's "Statements of Accounts" are really weird.
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