Song Of The Day 2/28/2017: Antonio Carlos Jobim – “Wave”

The Final 30

Executive Summary

Hello. I’m Paul Pearson, renown blogger and delivery team lead for The Final 50. All of us here hope you’re enjoying the series. We’ll be getting back to our story shortly, but first we have some mid-program administrative issues and disclosures to discuss, based on internet regulations and consumer feedback.

Item #3-AML-DX Declaration of Prior Ownership and/or Maintenance of Domesticated Quadrupeds

This is in compliance with the Section 3 of the Internet Regulatory Mammal Tariff Act, popularly known as “The Jack Hanna Clause,” which states that personal web destinations or blogs that do not present a minimum number of electronic representations (still photos or animations) of cats and/or dogs in states of elevated attractiveness or humor either (a) provide a full disclosure of previous animal ownership, or (b) subject its bearers or administrator to annual taxation prorated to date of first publication of said blog, Facebook account or Tindr page.

Since The Final 50 (indeed, the blog in general) has fallen far below the threshold for pictures and/or images of cats or dogs, we make this disclosure of previously owned pets in accordance with clause (a).

Type Name Domicile(s) Breed/Distinguishing Characteristic(s) Behavioral Assessment Cause of Expiry/Departure
Dog Tuffy Yuba City, CA
Vacaville, CA
Citrus Heights, CA
Black French poodle Eerily excited as befits breed Hit by car
Cat Patches Yuba City, CA
Vacaville, CA
Citrus Heights, CA
Black and white, unpatterned Sour and detached as befits breed Rejection of new home
Cat Pumpkin/Punkin Citrus Heights, CA
Orangevale, CA
Orange tabby Total unadulterated fear (based on early trauma with sister in car) Death not verified despite subject's constantly verbalized desire to end the psychic pain
Cat Peanut Orangevale, CA White with orange streaks Consummate professional Ingested some sort of cacti we think
Cat Pandas Orangevale, CA Black and white, with V-shaped mark surrounding nose Unremarkable, got by on looks Did not return from Burning Man
Cat Rimshot Orangevale, CA Grey tabby Sedentary Witness protection program
Cat Fleetwood Orangevale, CA Orange tabby (sibling to Rimshot) Undocumented Taken to Hollywood and told he was going to be in pictures
Cat Ishmael San Francisco, CA Orange tabby Preternatural calm Disinterest
Cat Woody San Francisco, CA Grey tabby Submissive (partnered with Ishmael) Chartered fishing boat ran aground
Cat Spike San Francisco, CA Calico Homicidal Mexican standoff
Cat Bridget San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Olympia, WA
Los Angeles, CA
Grey tabby Indescribably affectionate Ushered to heaven on dainty angel wings
Cat Small Kitty Olympia, WA Small Adorable Retired at the ashram
Cat Bongo Olympia, WA Grey tabby Misunderstood Season 7 judge on America's Got Talent

Item #6-RLT Statement Regarding the Absence of Relationship Information

The astute reader will note that we’re close to halfway through this at times interminable saga and I haven’t gone into detail regarding romantic relationships I might have had.

(For the record: I had some.)

How to address the subject has been the biggest source of indecision about this whole project. Except for some brief references I’ve already made and might make again—and one longer reference I might not be able to get out of for the story’s sake—I thought I’d declare ex-girlfriends out of scope for several reasons.

(1) I’ve been in a relationship for fourteen years and had three children with someone I’m ultra-compatible with and treasure extremely highly, and don’t want to blow that thing through remembrances of other girls, for which I’m receiving no material compensation. (But if there was money behind this I’m sure Kate would be all for it. We could use an IKEA run.)

(2) I’m still friends with a little more than half my exes, and I’m honored they still consider me such. Within that group is a subset of women I’d call close friends today, who I’d feel at ease talking with about anything I talk to my best friends about. I'd rather not screw that up. (Although the exception of getting paid holds true for this too. Sorry, girls, Daddy needs that Civil War commemorative chess set.)

(3) As for those I’m not in contact with, we’ve settled everything (except for one). I don’t want to put anything out there that would make them cross. I’m not going to add another potential level of discomfort at this late date. We’re not enemies—I don’t consider us enemies anyway—and I hope they’re doing well and are happy and that’s it. (Again, unless I get paid. Then I turn into a Real Housewife of La Jolla, got it?)

I do acknowledge this editorial decision leaves something of a gaping hole in the narrative. To compensate you’re free to supplement your readings of The Final 50 with additional readings from D.H. Lawrence, Henry Miller, Douglas Adams and James Thurber.

Item #12-DEL Acknowledgments of Incidents That Occurred But Are Not Covered In This Narrative

Including but not limited to:

  • Following the 1978 Oakland Raiders
  • Trying out for varsity basketball
  • Traveling to Europe, Hawaii and Mexico
  • 1989 Frank B. Hall insurance brokerage Christmas party
  • Renaissance faires
  • One-hour street discussion about Japanese economics with vagrant named Louis
  • Being mistaken for Joe Montana outside Tower Theater in Sacramento
  • Being mistaken for Kelsey Grammar in several settings
  • 80% of all Rodeo Kill after parties
  • Shelton

Item #13-NEG Acknowledgements of Incidents That Never Occurred and are Obviously Not Covered In This Narrative

Including but not limited to:

  • Playing Cousin Oliver on Brady Bunch
  • Becoming president of Hair Club
  • Conversion to aromatherapy
  • Telling Brian Wilson to just use a goddamn four-piece on Pet Sounds
  • Mistakenly giving the award to La La Land
  • Living in the back of a Brinks truck for four months
  • Sending Trump Steaks to enemies
  • Serving as the model for the cover of Rush’s Hemispheres album
  • 1995
  • Happyland. Never heard of it. What are you talking about?

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