Song Of The Day 10/22/2015: Blood, Sweat & Tears – “Symphony for the Devil/Sympathy for the Devil”



A Dream Date With Satan: Part 5
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

Paul Pearson The Blog: How much have I had?

Satan: Yeah, I reasoned you might’ve lost count. You had about three Witty Chucks, and then I bought you fifteen rum and cokes.

P: You bought me fifteen rum and cokes?

S: Fifteen rum and cokes.

P: Wow… fifteen… that’s a magic number, man…

S: If you’re not playing blackjack, sure.

P: You know what?

S: What?

P: I can’t get this whole possession business off my mind.

S: Aw, man. We talked about this. It’s the lowest form of diabolism.

P: Easy for you to say. But I’ve never seen it. Even when my religion told me if I ventured outside its circle I’d see it all the time, I never saw anybody getting demonically possessed.

S: (Sigh)… Look, it really is a tawdry business. Even for me. A guy who supposedly thrives on chaos. I guess it was novel back when nobody had rational explanations for aberrant behavior. I’m telling you, analysis has screwed my gig all up. Freud was cute, but Jung went too far. He cut into my game too deep. Exposed too much. He was like my Penn & Teller. Ruined it for everyone.

P: Yeah, but you can still do it, right? You can do a possession anytime you want, right?

S: Of course.

P:

S:

P:

S: No.

P: Ah, c’mon man! You just did it to our waitress!

S: That wasn’t possession. That was hypnosis.

P: Ah, cop-out. C’mon. You’re backing down from a dare?

S: It’s not a dare. It’s a request. For an oldie that everybody’s heard before and I’m real tired of doing. It’s how Warren Zevon felt every time someone screamed out for “Werewolves of London.”

P: Geez. You make yourself sound so reasonable. You know how maddening that is?

S: The game changed, man.

P: Tsch. Haven’t you spent your whole existence trying to tempt people? Persuade them with your demonstrations? Even your enemy did that trick with the water and the wine.

S: He wasn’t my enemy.

P: What?

S: He was my estimable competition. That doesn’t mean we didn’t see eye to eye on a couple of practical matters.

P: He told you to get behind Him.

S: Yeah, but that’s just what you read. Afterwards He asked me for directions.

P: He asked you for directions?

S: Look, He was extremely smart, very compassionate and pulled off some miracles. That doesn't mean He automatically knew where the local malt shop was. Or in this case, the nearest herbalist.

P: Heh. Couldn’t get enough of the frankincense, huh?

S: Actually He was looking for mustard seeds. He was doing some kind of workshop that night.

P:

S:

P:

S: All right.

P: All right what?

S: All right, I’ll do something.

P: Yes! Let’s get the check, go out and do it now!

S: Nah, let’s just do it here.

P: Do it here?

S: Yeah. There’s some people here that could be could test subjects.

P: Wait, wait… I don’t want to make a big scene in such an intimate place…

S: Hey, you wanted it. Careful what you ask for. Besides, there won’t be that much collateral damage.

P: “That much”?

S: Not in the grand scheme of things, no.

P: What does that mean?

S: It means there won’t be that much collateral damage in the grand scheme of things. You know, just a minor inconvenience. Or a shattered illusion. Or… you know… scarring someone for life…

P: Wait!

S: It’ll just be a person or two, that’s all. Three tops.

P: I’ve rethought this whole thing…

S: Yeah, but now I really wanna do it! I’m lookin’ forward to it now!

P: Ah, geez… man…

S: Come on. Get up. Let’s walk around this joint and see who we can throw on the gurney.

P: Shoot…

S: Hmm… so many choices… ah! Okay. Let’s start with little junior over here.

P: What? Oh no, man. She’s just a kid! She can’t be more than eight!

S: I’ll be quick and she’ll never remember it. They forget everything at that age. Come.

P: Oh, man…

Daughter: Mommy, can we go to Disneyland next summer?

Mother: I don’t know, honey. You know I’m working two jobs now, and travel costs so much.

D: Aw, mom…

S: Hmm. Let’s spice this little negotiation up.

(Flash of light)

D: “Costs so much”? “Costs so much?” Give me a break! You know what costs too much? Tantric lessons!

M: Darla! How… how do you know… what have you…

D: Get your crow’s feet eyes off the yoga mat, toots! Your gymnastic days are over! No matter how many positions you master Dad’s not going to leave his secretary and come back to us! She nailed that Kama Sutra stuff while you were sucking down Xanax pills like they were Tic-Tacs! Right now they’re twisting themselves up into Gordian knots with some Sting music in the background and they’re blissfully happy! Haaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

P: Stop it! Stop it with children!

S: All right, all right. Back to normal.

(Flash of light)

D: Mommy, why’s your face in the salad?

S: Shall we try another appetizer?

P: You’ve made your…

S: Aha! Look over there, at the bar. A couple on their very first date. Isn’t that sweet? He’s telling his best jokes, she’s laughing like crazy. What an immediate rapport they’ve developed. They’re having a great time. What could possibly go wrong?

Guy: …and I don’t want to get too sappy or emotional, but…

Girl: Oh, William. Relax. You’re not going to scare me off with that stuff. We’re already such good friends – this extension feels really natural.

Guy: I’m… I’m glad you said that. Because I haven’t been with anyone in so long. I know I kept up appearances and tried to look invulnerable, but you… you cut through all that. Even just for being a friend, I want to thank you. You’re compassionate, you’re intelligent, you make me feel refreshed, and you always did… and now I can finally tell you that… that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world…

(Flash of light)

Guy: …and that’s why I’d like to pimp your sweet ass out.

Girl: Wh.. what did you say?

Guy: I’m going to pimp you out. You’ll join my stable. You’ll be my highest earner. You’ll do things no human body was designed to do. You’ll tingle with anticipation at the word “probe.” You’ll handle all special requests, especially from foreign businessmen. You’re going to love that cattle prod like it was your own brother, except it’ll have more personality than he or anyone in your entire goddamn family did. Your ass is mine now, excess baggage!

Girl: You’re disgusting! You’re awful!

Guy: Lighten up, sugar hips. You’re going to make some kid a very happy man at his bar mitzvah!

Girl: Not again!

S: That seems well in hand. Let’s see, who else we got?

P: That’s enough. That’s all. We don’t…

S: Hey, look at that guy at the bar. He’s watching a sports contest, is he not?

P: Oh, man, please don’t do it…

S: Love of the game, man. Love of the game.

Baseball Fan: Come on! Come on, Cubbies! Let’s pull this one out! You can do it! Let’s go Cubs!

(Flash of light)

BF: Come on! Come on, Cardinals! Let’s pull this one out! You can do it! Let’s go Cards!

S: Bill Murray taught me that one.

P: I want to stop. That’s enough.

S: Ooooh, just one more. Look over there. There’s a private room. “Reserved for OcuTech Employee Meeting.” A captive audience!

P: No, no, no… don’t… please…

S: Last one, I promise. I’m a little crampy. Let’s drop in, shall we?

P: Ugh.

(Satan opens door to private room)

Chairman: …and we expect profits to fall right in line. Productivity in our overseas shops have gone up, even with the cuts and the investigation into working conditions. But we’re still going to have to make some hard choices back home as well. Unfortunately, that means we’ll have to let go of some people who have been doing stellar work, but aren’t making themselves known as vital members of our team. We’ll get a lot of blowback about stack-ranking, but there’s no more effective way to do it. We’re going to…

(Flash of light)

C: …conduct a full analysis on our internal structure, and force our performance reviews into a curve. We’ll balance that against those milestones that were suggested by our last business review…

P: What’s happening? He didn’t change.

S: I don’t know. Gimme a sec.

(Flash of light)

C: …and some of our more influential stockholders. And again, our international executives will chip in with suggestions of their own, working on the 80–20–10 model that Glenda formulated to determine which layers of talent should be cut. This’ll of course save us in the benefit package department…

P: He’s exactly the same. What’s going on?

S: I don’t know… one of my associates must’ve already gotten to him first and it’s still in effect. Let me just try…

(Flash of light)

C: …and force them to take more personal accountability. We’ll still have free beverages, of course, and the weekly massages for the executive staff. I also think we could do more in the cubicle department. We need our teams to focus on the bottom line and try to have answers to our questions before we ask them. Now, as for our temp employees, obviously there’s far less that concerns us about them…

S: Uh… this is pointless. Let’s go. You look like you need a sixteenth rum and coke.

P: At minimum.

(P&S exit)

C:… Hey – is it just me, or did that guy who just walked out look familiar to you too?

Part 6.

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